From the time I was born until the time I left the church as an adult, it was drilled into me to be Christlike. I needed to follow Christ’s example. You needed to worship God, you needed to be humble (Jesus called himself a Son of Man Mt 8:20), you need to be a servant leader (like the washing of feet John 13:5), you needed to love everyone (John 3:16-17) , and you needed to bear each other’s burdens (Gal 6:2) for how you loved everyone was how you loved God (Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me. Mt 25:40).

It is a tall order to live up to. It is easy to take pride in your accomplishments, It is easy to forget God. It is easy to demand those obey your leadership as opposed to serving those beneath you. It is easy not to care about those hurting around you. I’ve always believed that true faith has a component of feet and hands. The head (theology) and heart (emotional commitment) isn’t enough. There needs to be Practice as Quakers would say. True faith involves your hands, feet, and time outside of the church in the presence of other people.

But staying humble, fighting self-righteousness and arrogance is a constant struggle. For a little while in my college years, I served on a music team for Wesley House at Georgia Southern University and Grace Community Church, a then start-up church in Statesboro GA. The latter was awesome. I never got past strumming chords in my guitar work and there were like 7 people in the congregation. I could suck on stage for the Lord and nobody thought the less of me. But even there, I was on a stage. Was it for my glory or His?

These constant self checks always caused me to doubt myself. It was never explained to me WHY I was worthy of Jesus’s sacrifice. Nor did I ever feel a release of burden when I accepted it. I was supposed to, so I felt even more guilty. It WAS explained to me that I am a sinner and needed redemption. And when I explained to them that I felt guilty about feeling guilty, I was told that I needed to give it to God, focus on God, or pray harder. Yet every sermon in every church or the Baptist Student Union, always talked about a God shaped hole. I gave away Christ’s love at every moment I could. Yet, I never felt I deserved receiving it. I was what I call a Spiritual Anorexic. At my most passionate, devoted, strongest point in my Christian Walk, I was doubting my own Salvation.

About 10-15 years after that, I left the Church. When I did, I realized I never had a God Shaped Hole. I had a Brian shaped hole. I needed to get to know who I was, learn how to take credit for the good things in my life that I had worked to bring about, and take responsibility for the bad things in my life that I had a hand in. This was in contrast to the Spiritual Warfare mentality where every thing that is good is of God and everything Bad was of the Devil. I had finally begun to explore where I fit into the equation. I had finally started taking the steps needed to start loving myself instead of having that love come from an external source… God.

I am writing this essay today, because I had an hour and a half long phone conversation with a friend who has walked a similar path, felt similar things, and had nobody to turn to because of the life that she leads. Most Christians around her would judge her, condemn her, and attempt to ruin her life in a move of accountability which already has much pain. And of this, I am certain. I chose to listen. And after those 90 minutes, I packed up my podcasting equipment (we had just finished recording when she had called), and I headed home. And it occurred to me: There is a fatal flaw in being Christlike. You are alone.

Jesus said to cast your burdens on Him because His yoke is light. But he never modeled being vulnerably intimate with your fellow man enough to confide. “Jesus wept” is the shortest verse in the Bible. He internalized things so much, He cried tears like blood. The closest thing He did to confiding was ask Peter 3 times if he loved Him. But he never really talked about it. Maybe that is what the Last Supper is about. Today it is a huge ritual with deep theological meaning and significance. But maybe it was something far simpler. Jesus was saying goodbye.

Robin Williams was onto something when he said, “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it is like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” I suppose it is why prophets cry.

Follow Christ’s example in loving one another. But when you are burdened more than you can bear, do not follow Christ’s example. Instead, find, get, and most importantly accept help when you need it. Get the help from a friend, or a professional. Do not go through this world alone, even when you are surrounded by people you care about. Do not be a Spiritual Anorexic. You are worthy of love.

Brian Smyers

Editor

Corrections, Comments, Allusions & Addendums.

Not as many show notes as in past episodes. This is primarily because this show deals so much with Brian’s personal story.

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