Sometimes we aren’t chasing a person; we’re trying to prove that we can obtain a love that was lost to us.

Why do we sometimes want the person who is least available to us?

And how do you know whether the urge to leave a relationship is wisdom or an old attachment pattern coming back online?

In Part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Nicole Ohebshalom, we move from trauma therapy into the psychology of relationships, dating, intimacy, shame, and repair.

Even though you can listen to this episode completely independently without any confusion, part 1 is right here if you want to give it a listen.

We talk about:

* Avoidant and anxious attachment.

* Relationship anxiety.

* When breaking up is healthy versus defensive.

* Red flags and relationship dynamics.

* Affair recovery and rebuilding trust.

* Emotional availability.

* Hypervigilance and catastrophizing.

* Why anxiety destroys curiosity.

* EMDR negative cognitions.

* Self-criticism and the inner judge.

* Ego states and parts work.

* Perfectionism in high performers.

* Why not everything comes from childhood trauma.

* Limerence and obsessive romantic attachment.

* Intermittent emotional availability.

* Repetition compulsion.

* Dating apps and micro-rejection.

* Modern dating culture.

* Money, status, and gender expectations.

* Changing ideas about masculinity and femininity.

* Desire discrepancy.

* Sexual intimacy.

* Performance anxiety.

* Feeling desired versus simply having more sex.

* Playfulness and emotional safety.

* Why your partner cannot realistically be everything.

* And why curiosity may be one of the most important relationship skills we have.

One theme runs through almost the entire conversation:

We tend to confuse our predictions with reality.

Trauma can make the mind certain that an old danger is happening again.

Limerence can make emotional inconsistency feel like profound love.

Perfectionism can make an ordinary mistake feel like evidence of inadequacy.

And modern dating culture can train people to interpret every imperfect moment as a red flag.

The antidote to this is curiosity.

The ability to pause long enough to ask:

What is actually happening here?

Show Notes, Chapters and Timestamps

00:00 — Trauma, attachment & the urge to leaveHow do you distinguish an avoidant trauma response from realizing a relationship genuinely isn’t healthy?

01:10 — Relationship red flags & your role in the dynamicLooking beyond simplistic red-flag culture to understand how both people may contribute to a relationship pattern.

02:18 — Affair recovery, betrayal trauma & relationship repairWhat does the hurt partner actually need after infidelity?Being heard. Accountability. Emotional presence. Repair.

05:31 — Contempt, emotional availability & infidelity riskWhen partners stop feeling accessible and responsive to one another, something important begins to erode.

07:10 — Avoidant attachment, anxious attachment & emotional withdrawalWithdrawal doesn’t always mean someone stopped caring. Sometimes fear makes people quieter.

07:42 — Curiosity as an antidote to relationship anxietyInstead of immediately assuming rejection:Why are you moving away?What is happening between us?

08:29 — Anxiety, catastrophizing & the loss of curiosityAnxiety narrows perception.We begin treating assumptions as facts.

09:18 — Trauma & predictive processingHow past experiences shape what the brain expects to happen next — especially when the cost of being wrong once felt enormous.

10:08 — EMDR negative cognitions & the stories we tell ourselvesThe beliefs underneath our reactions.The “lie” we repeatedly tell ourselves about who we are.

10:46 — Why you shouldn’t believe every thought you haveSelf-critical thoughts. Worst-case scenarios. Rumination.Sometimes the mind is warning you about something that isn’t actually happening.

11:39 — Agency, identity & choosing who you becomeWe often forget that we have some capacity to choose which thoughts and identities we strengthen.

12:29 — Perfectionism, high performers & fear of failureWhat happens when competence becomes part of identity?Trying something new suddenly becomes psychologically dangerous.

13:42 — “Failing up” and high-achiever psychologyLearning through failure versus needing to remain ten steps ahead of everyone else.

15:13 — Shame, childhood & the inner criticWhere does chronic self-judgment come from?

15:48 — Ego states: the judging part vs. the wise partA simple parts-work framework for recognizing self-criticism without becoming consumed by it.

16:47 — Mindfulness, dopamine & changing self-critical habitsNotice the judging part.Pause.Ground.Then create enough space to respond differently.

17:57 — Imposter syndrome, introjects & EMDRCritical parents, teachers, internalized voices, and the possibility of building a more adaptive internal resource.

18:23 — Not everything is childhood traumaAn important corrective to pop psychology.Sometimes personality is personality.Temperament matters too.

20:05 — Rumination, analysis paralysis & changing the channelWhy endless analysis can reinforce the very loop you’re trying to escape.

20:57 — Psychological agency & the observing selfYou may have more room to respond differently than your emotional state initially suggests.

21:35 — Humanistic therapy & seeing more than pathologyA person isn’t merely a collection of trauma responses.Strengths, temperament, history, and personality matter.

23:38 — Is judgment learned or innate?Self-criticism, threat detection, temperament, hypervigilance, and the possible adaptive function of judgment.

26:08 — Intrusive thoughts, honesty & what love requiresYou can notice a thought without obeying it.The conversation turns toward honesty, kindness, and mature love.

27:26 — Attachment vs. limerenceFeeling seen and emotionally received is very different from romantic obsession.

28:51 — Serial limerence & idealizing unavailable peopleWhat are we actually chasing when we repeatedly fall for people who cannot fully meet us?

29:35 — Childhood attachment & intermittent loveA childhood doesn’t have to be overtly abusive for love to feel unpredictable.

31:08 — Repetition compulsion: trying to finally “win” unavailable loveWhy emotionally inconsistent partners can feel strangely familiar.

32:24 — Creating secure attachment in datingHow do you create steadiness when your own perception of relationships feels difficult to trust?

32:54 — Dating apps, micro-rejection & digital disconnectionConstant evaluation.Disposable options.Online self-objectification.And the psychological cost of dating through screens.

34:31 — Rejection sensitivity & why dating endings feel personalSometimes someone else’s withdrawal really isn’t about you.

35:09 — Why closure and honest communication matterA compassionate explanation can completely change how another person experiences rejection.

36:01 — Millennials, Gen Z & “getting your life together” before loveDo we really need to become fully optimized individuals before entering a relationship?

37:44 — Status anxiety, money & the dating marketplaceHas achievement become a prerequisite for feeling worthy of love?

38:22 — Dating apps and the illusion of infinite optionsWhen relationships start being evaluated like consumer products.

39:56 — Who pays for the date? Gender roles & modern dating scriptsChanging expectations around independence, provision, fairness, and being cared for.

42:47 — High-achieving women, identity & authenticityAfter achieving independence, what happens when someone realizes the life she built isn’t exactly the life she wants?

46:11 — Traditional gender roles without the gender warCan couples selectively create roles that actually work for them without turning relationships into ideological combat?

48:24 — Your partner cannot be everythingFriendship. Romance. Hobbies. Sexuality.What should a partner provide — and what should come from elsewhere?

49:28 — Desire discrepancy & mismatched sex drivesWhat happens when one partner wants sex much more frequently than the other?

50:50 — Do you want more sex — or do you want to feel desired?Sometimes the stated problem and the emotional need underneath it are not the same thing.

52:11 — Emotional safety, arousal & rebuilding intimacyPressure often reduces desire.Safety and playfulness can create room for it.

53:14 — Practical relationship advice: bring back playSmall shared activities can communicate something enormous:I see you.I care what you enjoy.

53:39 — The “us” factor vs. the “me” factorHealthy relationships sometimes require protecting the relationship itself from a culture of constant individual optimization.

54:19 — Curiosity might be the relationship superpowerCuriosity about yourself.Curiosity about your partner.Curiosity instead of certainty.

55:21 — Closing thoughts: trauma, couples therapy & repair

57:03 — Psychoanalysis, defense mechanisms & EMDRA brief closing conversation about integrating psychodynamic thinking with trauma therapy.

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