Queering IFS – Episode 12 – Bringing Compassion to the Complexity around Pronouns for Everybody with Phil de la Haye

In the first episode of 2026, Jude and Alessio are joined by Phil for a thoughtful conversation about pronouns, privilege, and complexity.

Rather than treating pronouns as a simple checkbox, this episode explores how they operate across different layers: inside our systems, in relationship, and within wider cultural and organisational contexts. The conversation stays with the reality that pronouns can be affirming, exposing, political, tender, and sometimes activating, often all at once.

Together, they reflect on choice and privilege in pronoun disclosure, the impact of misgendering, the limits of language, and why responsibility for inclusion can’t sit only with individuals.

This is a grounded, compassionate conversation for anyone navigating gender, identity, therapy spaces, or leadership and training environments.

In this episode

• Pronouns as internal, relational, and contextual

• Different parts having different feelings about pronouns

• Choice, safety, and the privilege of being gendered “correctly” by default

• The impact of misgendering, even after disclosure

• Pronouns as labels, and why being asked to declare them can feel jarring

• Language, erasure, and gendered languages

• Organisational responsibility vs individual labour

• Pronoun invitations as harm prevention in training spaces

Key timestamps

00:00 to 06:00 Introductions and setting the theme

06:00 to 11:30 Context, choice, privilege, and internal layers

11:30 to 18:00 Pronouns as labels, culture, and legacy

20:30 to 24:30 Language, gender, and erasure

24:30 to 32:30 Training spaces, access fatigue, and responsibility

35:00 to end Power, privilege, and closing reflections

Quotes

• “Compassion for the complexity around pronouns for everyone. We’re doing this for all systems.”

• “If there is no label, then you don’t exist. It’s the double edge.”

• “Privilege is silent. People don’t know they have it, because it’s a non-problem for them.”

Links:

Open letter: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ileIj-50K40fimPyCrPjWW4n5S2GTtDLBnbcO5Z22rM/edit?usp=sharing

Website: www.phildelahaye.com

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/phildelahayeifs/

FB page: https://www.facebook.com/phildelahayeifs

SIRPA (Stress Illness Recovery Practitioners Association): https://www.sirpa.org

Disclaimer

This podcast is hosted by qualified therapists who share personal reflections and professional insights into therapy and mental health. The views expressed are those of the individual speakers or guests and are personal to them.

While we talk about therapy, this podcast is not therapy. It’s for information, reflection, and conversation only, and should never be considered a substitute for professional mental health support, diagnosis, or treatment. Listening to this podcast does not create a therapist-client relationship.

Some episodes may touch on sensitive topics, so please take care while listening. If you're struggling, we encourage you to reach out to a qualified therapist or mental health professional in your area.

Guest opinions are their own and don’t necessarily reflect those of the hosts.

Contacts

Alessio Rizzo (He/They) is a Certified IFS psychotherapist, IFS Trainer with the IFS institute, and Approved Clinical Consultant (ACC) – ⁠⁠www.therapywithalessio.com⁠⁠⁠

Jude Carn (She/They) is a Certified IFS psychotherapist and Approved Clinical Consultant (ACC) with the IFS Institute – ⁠⁠www.anchoredinself.co.uk⁠⁠

Sound editing by Forbes Coleman