This week’s episode of the “Dad and Daughter Connection” offers a heartfelt and inspiring look at the evolving relationship between a father and daughter as they navigate the world of competitive youth sports, college, and life beyond the field. Hosted by Dr. Christopher Lewis, this episode features David Murray, an acclaimed journalist and author of the new book “Soccer Dad,” and his daughter, Scout Murray, who has just wrapped up a successful soccer career at Ohio University.

Unconditional Support & Independence

One of the episode’s primary themes is the balance between support and independence in parenting. Scout Murray recalls how her dad never pressured her to follow a specific path and always backed whatever passion she pursued. As she puts it, “[My dad] always just made sure I knew that whatever my passion was, he was going to fully support it.” This foundation of acceptance empowered her to chase ambitious goals in soccer—her journey marked by her own drive rather than parental expectations.

David Murray admits his lack of soccer expertise helped him stay out of “coach mode” and instead be a true fan and ally, which fostered a safe space for Scout Murray to grow.

Perseverance Through Challenges

The episode delves deeply into the resilience required to pursue high-level sports, particularly when the journey gets tough. Scout Murray shares powerful stories of long car rides to soccer tryouts, difficult transitions to elite teams, and the emotional strain of not always being a starter. The message? True growth happens when you face setbacks head-on, and finding the strength to persevere means knowing you have supportive people behind you.

Honest Communication & Emotional Openness

A standout part of David Murray and Scout Murray’s story is their commitment to honesty and vulnerability. They discuss the importance of admitting mistakes, owning up to less-than-perfect parenting moments, and, above all, keeping communication open—even (or especially) in challenging times. As Scout Murray notes, being able to “share everything that was going on” helped keep their relationship strong through ups and downs.

Lasting Takeaways

Whether you’re a dad, a daughter, or simply someone looking for insights into meaningful relationships, this episode offers encouragement to value presence over perfection and emphasizes that taking your child’s challenges seriously is one of the greatest gifts you can give.

Want more of these hard-won life lessons and candid, touching stories? Give this episode a listen—you’ll walk away inspired to build stronger connections with the ones you love. Catch it now on the “Dad and Daughter Connection.”

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]: Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]: If you’re looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you’re in the right place. I’m Dr. Christopher Lewis, and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we’ll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let’s get started, because being a great dad isn’t just about being there. It’s about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection. I am so excited that you’re back with us again this week.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:57]: As always, every week, I love being on this journey with you. As you know, I’m a father of two daughters and this whole podcast was developed for you as someone that is also raising daughters today. And one of the things I love is that every week we can be on this journey together and you can gain something every week to help you to build those stronger connections that you want to have with your daughters. And we do that every week by having opportunities to talk to different people with different experiences that are able to bring those connections to the forefront, whether they’re dads, moms, or other individuals that can help you to be that dad that you want to be. And today I’m really excited to be able to have two guests. David Murray and his daughter Scout are here and we’re going to be talking about a brand new book that David has out called Soccer Dad. But we’re also going to talk about the relationship that the two of them have together. And David is an author of a number of books including Soccer Dad.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:59]: So he has a number of books that are out there, but he’s also an award winning journalist who’s writing on sports and other subjects, has appeared in the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, the Atlantic and other publication. And Scout is on her way to graduating from Ohio University after a successful career in soccer at Ohio University. So we’re going to be talking about that as well. So I’m really excited to have them both here. David, Scout, thanks so much for being here.

Scout Murray [00:02:24]: Thank you.

David Murray [00:02:25]: Great to be here.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:25]: Well, I’m really excited to have you here today and I always start with these conversations with an opportunity to delve a little bit deeper into the connections that the two of you have. And I know we’re going to dig into that a little bit more in the book, but I guess on the top end, first and foremost, Scout, I’m going to ask a question to you. As you think about the relationship that you’ve built with your dad, what’s one thing that your dad did for you that made you truly feel seen, heard and valued as a daughter?

Scout Murray [00:02:54]: I would say he, since I was little, has always made it very clear that there was no pressure from him to do a specific thing. There was nothing that I felt like I had to do to make, like to impress him, I guess I would say. And he always just made sure I knew that whatever I. Whatever my passion was, he was going to fully support it. So I think when it came to soccer, he never told me what I should do, told me how I should go about things. He kind of just like followed my lead, I guess I would say. And I think that always made me feel super comfortable talking to him about anything, really.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:35]: And speaking of that, David, I think every dad tries to help to guide their daughters. And how did you balance guiding Scout while also giving her the independence to grow into the person she’s become today?

David Murray [00:03:50]: Well, I think one of my qualifications for being a good soccer dad was that I don’t know a damn thing about soccer and I never did. So it wasn’t like we were in the car and I was giving her all this advice about how she should have played a certain way or certain shot. So I always kind of approached this as kind of a fan. To some extent, I was grateful that she did not play baseball or football or a sport that I even think I understand. So that was, I think, kind of my main qualification as a soccer parent and scout.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:22]: I guess looking back at the relationship you’ve built thus far as well, was there a moment where your dad’s support or guidance really had a significant impact on your growth or your confidence?

Scout Murray [00:04:34]: There was one summer that I think stands out to me when we spent the entire summer going on visits. College visits, college soccer visits. Yeah. We would drive somewhere, oftentimes for seven hours. I would sleep the entire time. He would drive me. And I feel like, I mean, I didn’t realize it at the time because I think I was extremely self centered. But looking back on that summer, I think that I look back on it a lot and I think it made me realize, like, how much he’s willing to put in to show me how supportive he is of my passions and what I want to do.

Scout Murray [00:05:10]: So I think that moment is when I was like, okay, if I have this support system behind me, and I really want to do it. I should really just go for it. So I think that’s when I really.

David Murray [00:05:21]: Realized that that was a hard summer for a number of reasons. And one of the reasons was it is horrible to travel with teenagers. They’re either sleep or they’re awake, and they’re looking at Instagram and dying of fomo. Even though their friends are just kind of hanging out somewhere in Chicago, they’re never there with you. And the second they are there with you, they’re trying to get you to listen to their music, and you’re trying to listen to it and care about it, but you can’t quite do it well enough. And it was, like, the longest summer. We were hoping it would be fun. It was not really fun, but it was productive.

Scout Murray [00:05:59]: And it’s good to look back on.

David Murray [00:06:01]: It is fun to look back on.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:02]: Yeah. So some of the things you’re just talking about, there are finding intentional ways to build those bonds, and you sometimes are forced into those ways, but you also make those as well. So I guess, David, what are some intentional ways that you’ve worked to strengthen your bond with Scout, even when times might have not been the easiest? Or maybe it was challenging, like a trip where you’re not talking a lot, but you’re going places. But there’s other times, especially in those teenage years. So what are some intentions, Ways that you’ve done that?

David Murray [00:06:34]: I mean, a lot of humor. I think she and I tease each other a lot and always have, and that has kind of never gone away, even in hard times. Just staying engaged, like, talking about everything, asking her about what’s going on in her life, being up for hearing most of it. There’s stuff, as a dad you don’t want to hear a lot of. Like, during high school, there’s a lot of social stuff that’s uncomfortable to hear about. There was a show that Scout wanted me to watch that was. That was trying to portray. It was a show.

David Murray [00:07:04]: What was that show? It was about a high school in New York.

Scout Murray [00:07:07]: Oh, yeah. Grand army or something.

David Murray [00:07:09]: Grand army or. It was a show like that. And it was about this high school in New York where all these terrible things were happening. It was just high school society. And she said, you got to watch this, dad. You got to watch this to understand what this is like. And I was like, I hate this show. I.

David Murray [00:07:23]: And I watched four episodes and that as far as I could go. But I did watch the four. It was like shaving my head with a cheese Grater. Because it’s just really hard. And I think about my parents. They were great parents, but they weren’t getting down in there and engaging in ways like that. I had no company like that.

Scout Murray [00:07:39]: I do think we, even during hard times, are, like, very honest. And I think part of that is just, I’m an open book. I don’t keep things in well. So I think instead of just acting out, I would act out and then be like, this is why I acted out. And we talk about it the next day. There was never a fight that wasn’t talked about. I feel like if something happened, it was, well, this clearly needs to be talked about. So I think just, like, honesty and trying to just, like, share everything that was going on.

David Murray [00:08:09]: So you’re taking credit for our wonderful.

Scout Murray [00:08:10]: I am. My openness.

David Murray [00:08:12]: I actually think that’s true. I think there have been times where I’ve wished she would gild the lily a little bit and not tell me everything that’s going on, but not so much. I mean, in the book. And the college experience was really interesting to me when I went off to college. And you might relate to this, too. I don’t think I talked to my parents until Thanksgiving, and then I don’t think I talked to them again until spring break. I mean, you’d had to go down the hall and call on the payphone and call. I mean, Scout would facetime me after practice on the way to class, and it was just no big deal.

David Murray [00:08:42]: It wasn’t a show she was putting on. She was like, I had a bad practice, or I had a great practice, or, we were up way too late last night. And so. And we were always talking about this. In the book, I talk about, you know. You know, where my dad was during this time in his life. He was marching to Berlin in World War II. And I said, like, I wonder what his parents would have done if they’d had the same communications.

David Murray [00:09:04]: And they probably would have been sending him nice text messages about his march, wishing him well on his march to Berlin. It’s a different time, but it’s the technology, which we complain about a lot, which has ruined a lot of things, has made this kind of communication a lot more natural and easy. When we talk to our parents once every couple months, even if it’s once a week, you were kind of putting on a show for him. You were telling him everything was all right. You were telling them you were getting good grades. And when it’s. When it’s daily like that, you can kind of maintain a More human, easygoing relationship, Definitely.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:35]: Now, Scout, one of the things, I guess, that I’m interested in is the relationship with your dad. And how does that relationship influence the way that you navigate life, relationships, or challenges that you deal with?

Scout Murray [00:09:47]: Yeah, I think I’ve actually talked about this with my friends because I think a big thing in this. I see it a lot on social media is, like, if a woman has had a bad relationship with their father, they have a really hard time navigating relationships, especially, like, romantic relationships. And I think. I mean, he is just, like, set the expectation of, like, how a man should treat anyone, like, let alone women. And I think I’ve, like, taken that very seriously. And he always jokes about he’s not the kind of dad that is, like, super mean and scary to any boyfriend I bring home, which I think is a good thing. But, yeah, just like, you don’t need to be. I don’t think.

Scout Murray [00:10:33]: I think I view men differently because of him. You don’t need to be this extremely strong, masculine, crazy man. Like, you can just be a normal human being and emotional and kind.

David Murray [00:10:47]: And so I think I’m a big crybaby.

Scout Murray [00:10:49]: Yeah, he’s a crybaby. So I think it’s okay for men to.

David Murray [00:10:53]: I loved your episode not long ago that it’s okay for dads to make mistakes and admit it, that one Scout does not need to listen to.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:00]: She.

David Murray [00:11:01]: I know that we get that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:03]: Speaking of mistakes there, David, I guess as you think about your relationship and how you’ve built that, what’s a mistake that you’ve made as a father, and what did you learn about it or learn from it about fostering better communication with Scout?

David Murray [00:11:17]: Well, I talk a lot in the book about that as a soccer parent, but I think this is completely universally true. I think the fundamental problem of being a parent is you have two instincts, two things you need to do. You need to keep this kid alive. And in that way, you need to protect them and guide them and make sure they go in the right direction. But you also need to show this kid how to live, which means you let him do stuff. They do stuff. They make mistakes, they screw up. And in, you know, in soccer, that means, you know, not telling them.

David Murray [00:11:46]: You got to play on this team. You got to do this. You got to apply to this school. This is your life. Like, a lot of parents get really prescriptive, and they start pushing their kids in directions and to the point where the kid must start wondering, am I doing this for them or for me? I made Mistakes on the other side, at least in soccer, I don’t know about it. In life, I let it all play out. I figured if she was talented enough and wanted it enough, it would happen for her. That turned out to be basically incorrect.

David Murray [00:12:16]: And we. And there were. There was a moment where she had to go up to a higher league. And that might have happened a year before had I been a little bit more on the ball. And I basically feel like I was lazy about that. But you make mistakes on each side of that equation. I think a lot. And I think the parents who in general figure out how much freedom to give and how much guidance to give, I think.

David Murray [00:12:38]: And I think that’s a daily agonizing problem for every parent all the time. And I think I’ve done a decent job at that most of the time. But when I’ve made mistakes, I’ve made mistakes by being lazy.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:48]: I think let’s move over to the book too, because you started talking about that. And one of the things that I noticed early on in the book was that you describe the soccer journey as starting innocently enough and something and then slowly becoming something far more consuming. So I guess looking back together now for both of you, when do each of you think the dream subtly shifted into something heavier? And did you realize it at the same moment or at different times?

Scout Murray [00:13:15]: It’s kind of a confusing story because I think if you asked me when I was seven what I wanted to do, I would say be a professional soccer player. I was very committed from an early. I mean, he still says I never, ever would have missed a soccer practice, ever. And it wasn’t because I felt guilty. It was just because I genuinely loved soccer more than anything. And the soccer setting in Chicago is very interesting because it’s not super, super high level inside the city. So I think I just was like, if I’m playing on a decent team and I’m the best player and I love all my teammates, I’m gonna play at a super high level. Like, I had never been told otherwise.

Scout Murray [00:14:00]: That’s just kind of what everyone. I was known as the SOCCE player. I made varsity as a freshman at my high school. Everything was going. Seemed to be like, going great. And then right about when Covid hit, I started training with a new trainer. And he basically was like, if you don’t get better, you’re not going to play D1 soccer. Like, let alone the top schools, you’re not going to play D1 soccer.

Scout Murray [00:14:23]: And that was a wake up call for sure. And I just Decided. I remember, like, I think I just one day was like, I need to change clubs. And I just decided, like, I need to step it up. Like, I just know I do. So we tried out for the best team in the state. And that was a terrible wake up call. I mean, so many tears.

Scout Murray [00:14:42]: Yeah, it was a terrible. So I think in that moment was when we both were like, oh, yeah.

David Murray [00:14:49]: There’S a scene in the book where she shows up at this tryout, and it is the best team in the state and maybe in the nation at that time. And so I was there with her. What we both saw, we were unprepared for it. And there was crying all the way home by her and silenced by me because I had nothing to say at that point. She had to switch clubs, and she had just gotten her driver’s license. And now she’s driving herself to an hour north of town for this soccer, for this torturous, incredibly hard, not very nice people around this team soccer. And she cried all the way up half the time, and she cried all the way back half the time, but she did it.

Scout Murray [00:15:27]: But that. I think that is when, like, we both realized. It wasn’t even a question whether I was gonna do it either. I had a tissue box in the passenger seat and would, like, seriously cry because I dreaded it so much. And the fact that, like, it was just. I. I have, like, many notes that I wrote of me saying, this is all for a reason. Like, this is all for college.

Scout Murray [00:15:53]: So I think that’s when I realized. Actually, I don’t even think I realized it in the moment. I was just like, this is what I have to do. But I think looking back, that is, like, very telling of how much I really did want it and how much work I was willing to put in.

David Murray [00:16:07]: And nobody was telling her she had to do that. She decided to do that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:11]: What you just said there, not every person would be willing to keep going. And that says something to push through the pain of the hard times and come out at the. The other side of being able to play D1 soccer, even though you did have to go through some hard times to get there.

David Murray [00:16:28]: I mean, it’s amazing. All parents look back. You see your kid as this little baby who basically couldn’t feed herself. And you kind of. At some levels, at some level, you see them as that always. And then you look back and, like, I look back at what she went through with during COVID Cold calling these schools. Every. All these guys went through Covid.

David Murray [00:16:48]: Then all this torture of Driving to this. These horrible practices. Then there was tort that. That there was nothing guaranteed. Then it was more torture to get into colleges. And you just look back and go, this kid was just doing all that and just showing so much character. And you just kind of. I’m amazed.

David Murray [00:17:04]: Looking back at it, it looks more amazing. Going back at the time, I was not, like, cheering from the sidelines all the time. I was telling her, did you call? Did you email that? Those guys? But looking back, she did almost all that by herself, and it was amazing.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:17:17]: You know, I think back in looking at the book scout, your dad wrote honestly about moments when his emotions or reactions didn’t align with what you needed as a player or even as a daughter. So I guess as you think about that from your perspective, what do you most wish that parents understood about what kids actually feel during and after games?

Scout Murray [00:17:40]: I honestly think that’s not an easy question to answer because I don’t think there’s anything that can be said. Like, unfortunately, I think. I mean, from my experience, I was, like, asking for something to be said, but whatever was said wasn’t gonna work. And I knew that. But I think I would text him, how did you think I played? And I would never text him that if I played well. Like, ever, ever would I text him that if I played well? Because it’s like, I. Well, I played great. Like, you saw it and I felt it.

Scout Murray [00:18:16]: But if I’m asking, what is he gonna say? Like, he’s never gonna be like, you played bad. So I think it’s just listening and just hearing, just letting any rant that needs to happen. And I honestly think the only thing you can do is say something positive that happened during the game. I think you did it as. As good of a job as that as you. Like, you worked as hard as you possibly could. He would always say that. And that’s true.

Scout Murray [00:18:40]: That’s something I can take away from that. Okay, I. I gave it everything I had. So I think just trying to find something positive to say, but other than that, just. I would say I would avoid any criticism in that moment. Any criticism, because maybe the next day or if they ask or something, but even if they ask right after the game, I would avoid any criticism, because I guarantee you there’s already enough criticism inside our heads.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:07]: You know, David, also in the book, there’s a number of moments where you name and own some moments when you became the kind of sports parent that you never wanted to be. How did you learn to recognize those moments in real time? And what helped you repair trust afterward with Scout?

David Murray [00:19:23]: Yeah, I don’t think I needed to repair trust with Scout because I don’t think Scout was the victim of those things. I don’t think. But I remember in the book I talk about a moment when they were like 8 years old and this goalie let a ball through her legs and she was not a good goalie and suddenly was enraged at her and her parents for putting her out there.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:44]: And.

David Murray [00:19:44]: And I just. You must dissociate from it. I mean, what I really learned was don’t sit with the other parents. The parents have this weird culture where they start to make comments and it starts to build on itself and they start complaining about the players and the refs and the coaches and it’s like its own virus. So I took the lead of one of our parents who would just stand way down at the very end of the field by himself. If you do that, you’re not going to be shouting crazy things at the players. You’re down there by yourself. You’re more likely to shout crazy things at the players when you’re among the other parents and letting yourself get into arguments.

David Murray [00:20:19]: I would get into arguments with my wife because she had a different way of looking at the game. And I just started just getting away and being by myself. And the other thing that I learned, this was an accident, but I started doing, filming a lot of the games and taking pictures. And that was such a good instinct because it got me in the right frame of mind. It got me in the frame of mind as I’m trying to capture the beauty of this. Who cares if it’s a 2 to 1 game in Schaumburg, Illinois, and they’re 9 years old? Nobody’s going to remember any of the scores. But if I take a wonderful picture of her coming down the sideline or of one of her teammates, then I’ve got that forever. And it doesn’t matter what the score of the game was.

David Murray [00:20:55]: And doing that put me in the right spirit and got me out of the. The headspace of giving a crap who wins a game among 8 year olds.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:03]: I can definitely remember those type of games and I can definitely relate to what you’re saying with how parents fed off of one another and how that built. So I appreciate you sharing that.

David Murray [00:21:14]: There was one time in the car on the way home where it was one of those games and the parents were all mad about how the team had played. And we’re driving home in the car and Scout’s mom and I Are, like, all quiet in the front seat. And I think she’s still in our bed. Car seat in the backseat. She was that young. And I remember her going, wait, are you guys mad? She’s incredulous. And we were kind of, like, sheepish, like, oh, I guess we are mad for some reason. Get over it now.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:39]: Scott, one of the book’s powerful moments or themes that I noticed was that how much you valued team connection and belonging, not just performance. So for you, when competition got intense, what helped you stay grounded in the joy and the relationships rather than the pressure?

Scout Murray [00:21:59]: I think that was something that, in college was really hard, and I would say a lot because of my parents, but I think all growing up, it was like finding the joy in the game and finding the joy in having these teammates. And we’d always watch this movie, Dare to Dream, which was. What was it?

David Murray [00:22:19]: The 199099 Women’s World Cup.

Scout Murray [00:22:21]: Women’s World cup team that was just so close and so had so much fun together. And so I think I really wanted to play D1 soccer because I love the game, but also because I know I’ve seen it, how close these teams get. And so I think that’s what I wanted my whole life. And finally getting there, I did get all of that. I got my best friends, my future bridesmaids, hands down, the best friends I’ve ever had. But I think because it is such a competitive level, it was really hard for me to remember that at times. And I think it’s hard to not become selfish, honestly, because at the end of the day, you never want to be the person that’s not playing. There were times when I.

Scout Murray [00:23:09]: Every single one of my best friends were in the starting lineup, and I’m the only one that’s not. And that was, like, really hard to deal with. Like, okay, I absolutely love these people, and I do anything for them. But I also hate you right now. I really do. Like, and it was really hard to, like, figure that out. And I think looking back, there were so many moments that I would hate them. At practice, we’d get in a fight.

Scout Murray [00:23:37]: I mean, this was, like, intense. Every single practice was, like, this intense. And then after, who would I be crying with about it? All of them. So it was just looking back, I’m like, I really was grounded the whole time. I knew these are my people. I think in the moment, though, it was hard to recognize that. But I think looking back, they were the reason why I was doing it. And if I didn’t have them, I couldn’t have done four years of such intense competition.

David Murray [00:24:06]: And I think Scout going in, valuing that made her very much of a social leader on the team. She wasn’t the team captain, but in a lot of ways, I think if you ask these folks, she’d say she was a big important part of the bonding and culture of the team because she sort of knew going in that that was part of her mission. Maybe a little bit more than some of the other players knew going in.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:24:27]: Now, I know you both talked about the journey to the D1 and being able to get to that point in the scene in the book surrounding the Division 1 scholarship offer. It really was filled with, I could tell, relief, tension, second guessing, some silence. If you could revisit that car ride now, what would you say to your younger selves and what would you say to other families facing that exact moment?

David Murray [00:24:55]: I think that’s partly just natural to feel that way. I would prepare people. It doesn’t matter. If you want to be a physicist and you get into Harvard and you’re going to be the great physicist, you go from the world being your oyster to a very specific thing that’s now happening to you. College seems to close up the possibilities. And so even, yes, we’d gotten her scholarship dream. She was going to get a scholarship. She was going to play Division 1.

David Murray [00:25:22]: But, well, it’s at this school, it’s in Ohio. At that time, it was only a 1/3 scholarship offer. Did we do the right thing here? You feel like your aperture just gets narrowed and you go, this is my life now. I think I would advise people just to be prepared for that feeling. Honestly, I think it’s kind of natural.

Scout Murray [00:25:39]: And I remember being very happy and just excited in the car while we.

David Murray [00:25:43]: Were yelling at each other.

Scout Murray [00:25:44]: Yeah, I was fine. I don’t know about you, but I think it was also just a lot of fear. Like, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn’t know anyone from Ohio. Every single person was from Ohio except for me. I had never heard of the school. I didn’t know if I was good enough to play D1. There were so many things that I think it was just like a lot of fear.

Scout Murray [00:26:06]: And I would say the same for you. We had just had no idea what we had just signed up for and we were just going with it.

David Murray [00:26:13]: I don’t think I’d tell anybody how not to feel that way. That’s how you feel when you take a big risk.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:18]: So, Scout, your dad said at the beginning you played Your last soccer game for ou. Now that you’re on the other side of the journey, what did soccer give you that still shapes who you are today? And what, if anything, did it take that surprised you?

Scout Murray [00:26:32]: I think I now know how much strength I have and how much I really can do if I really want something. And I would say all the little things that I did, one moment in particular is in the middle of my junior year season. I had just come back from an injury. I was no longer playing much. I had gone from starting to playing 20 minutes a game. And I was so deeply wounded. I genuinely felt like I was heartbroken. And I still got up every morning at 6am in the cold, dark weather and practice extra for an hour before practices.

Scout Murray [00:27:12]: And I think knowing that even when I’m in that deeply sad state, I can still do really hard things, I think I can take for the rest of my life, even when things aren’t going well or I had no idea if going extra was going to make me play. There was no promises. So I think I can take that into my job, my relationships, into a lot of areas in my life. Something that it took from me, I actually don’t know.

David Murray [00:27:39]: I talk in the book about the opportunity cost of all this. When your kid’s little, you want them to see all of life. You want them to see every aspect. You want to introduce them to art and music and books and culture and places and Paris and Istanbul. And I’m a journalist and so I. I saw a lot in life and I wanted her to see everything. And I will say that if you get your kid involved in youth sports, that eliminates some of those things. We did a lot.

David Murray [00:28:09]: Scout went to China on an exchange program. We went to Thailand. We did a lot of stuff as a family, and she did a lot of stuff herself. Soccer wasn’t her whole life, but even so, you spend a lot of time at Hampton Inns, you spend a lot of time on the road to soccer tournaments, and you spend a lot of the time think and talking about soccer. And so I don’t know if Scout feels that cost or something, but when I imagine all the possible things Scout could have experienced in her first 21 years, I think soccer sort of eliminated some of those things. And I think that’s a fact of life. With as intense as modern youth sports.

Scout Murray [00:28:44]: Are right now, I don’t even think I would say I missed a ton in my youth because of soccer. Maybe I did, but I would say mostly like college, if you decide to play college sports you have to accept that you’re going to miss. I mean, I don’t have many friends outside of my team is one thing, and that sucks. I mean, they’re my best friends, but we’re all pretty similar in a lot of ways. We have a lot of the same interests and goals. So I think that is something I missed out on. Meeting a lot of different, interesting people and not being able to travel abroad. I think there was a lot of stuff that I definitely.

Scout Murray [00:29:22]: College sports are. It’s a job. It is truly a job, and you need to be prepared for that, because I don’t think we knew exactly how much. I mean, I don’t regret it at all.

David Murray [00:29:33]: But I mean, I remember asking the coach, and I didn’t want her to join a sorority, but I said, could she join a sorority, for instance? And he’s like, no. No one’s ever done that. She’s in her sorority. It’s called the soccer team.

Scout Murray [00:29:45]: And I think it’s year round, too, which I think D3 is much less year round. And I think people often say, like, well, you’re out of season now. It’s like, no, it’s still practice every single day. And. And. And someone asked me today actually, how are you feeling about soccer ending? And I’m like, you know, I’m really sad, and I think the sadness will hit me later on more. But I am also enjoying being a regular person right now and thinking about my career. I’ve truly never really had to think about my career until now.

Scout Murray [00:30:18]: So I think I’m really excited for grad school because that’s kind of my time to just be a normal person and dive into my passion in psychology.

David Murray [00:30:27]: So, yeah, there was a moment when Scott was thinking about trying to go pro and play in Europe, and she said, you know what? How about not? How about let’s figure out what else I’m good at? Which I thought was a good spirit.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:37]: You know, I guess the one last thing that I think of when I think of the book is if you are talking to a dad, a dad’s listening right now that has a young daughter just starting in her sports journey, whether it’s soccer or some other sports. What’s one piece of advice that you’d give him so he stays connected to his daughter, not just her performance.

David Murray [00:30:57]: I think it’s the same advice that my dad gave me. It was his philosophy of raising kids. I think it’s so easy as a parent to see that what kids are dealing with, whether it’s soccer stuff or whether it’s friend stuff that it’s kid stuff that small problems, you have a mortgage to pay. This kid only has some little dispute with her third grade buddy. To the extent that you can take their problems as seriously as your problem because they’re actually much more serious because they’re dealing with that for the first time. I’ve paid my mortgage a thousand times, but they’re dealing with that for the first time. And there were times when I didn’t do that as a dad. Scub’s probably thinking of it right now.

David Murray [00:31:37]: One time I got so flustered at the amount of sturm undrang about her seventh or eighth grade friends, I yelled, these aren’t your friends. These are practice people. Incorrect thing to say. But you feel that way as a parent a lot. I think to the extent that you can take your kids problems as seriously as you take your own because they are serious, you do a pretty good job of parenting if you do that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:01]: Well, we always finish our interviews of what I like to call the dad connection six and a lot of times it’s just a dad on the call. So I love it when we have a dad and a daughter on because I’ll ask you both some questions here. First and foremost, scout. What’s one word that describes your relationship with your dad?

David Murray [00:32:17]: Easy.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:18]: And how about you, David?

David Murray [00:32:19]: I would say close.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:21]: Scout. What’s the best piece of dad advice you’ve ever received?

Scout Murray [00:32:25]: I actually told him this yesterday when I was younger. He said I was complaining about having to do something I didn’t want to do, soccer homework or something. And he said what’s a professional? And I said what? And he said someone that does something even when they don’t want to do it. And I’ve definitely taken that I told him yesterday much. I don’t think he realizes every morning that I had to go early to soccer practice and didn’t want to. I would think about that. So that’s definitely.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:55]: Yeah, good job. And David, I’m gonna flip it back on you. What’s the best piece of dad advice you’ve ever received?

David Murray [00:33:03]: The best piece of advice I got was from a paramedic pal in Chicago who about a week before my daughter was about to be born, he saw that I was, I don’t know, I was acting nervous or something. He said, what’s the matter? I said, I’m nervous. He said, why? I said, well, well, parenting. He said, what do you think that is? Parenting? Do you think that’s like some set of tricks that you’re gonna put out there and say all the right things at the right times. He said, no. Ultimately, your kids get you and your wife for 18 years, and you can try to be as good as you can, and you can try to use as many techniques as you want, but basically, if you’re good, that’s good, and if you’re bad, that’s bad. And that gave me a sense of comfort. Like, I knew that basically I’m good, basically my wife is good, and that we could only screw this up so much at that point.

David Murray [00:33:49]: And I think that gives you a little bit of confidence, I think.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:33:52]: Scout, what’s one activity that you and your dad love doing together?

Scout Murray [00:33:56]: Playing tennis.

David Murray [00:33:57]: And lately, billiards.

Scout Murray [00:33:58]: Yeah. Playing pool is our new obsession.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:01]: And, David, do you echo that, or is there something else that you would add to that?

David Murray [00:34:05]: Well, I like running half marathons with her, but she hasn’t done it since she was 11, so I guess that’s out. I love playing sports with her when she was little. I say in the book, a lot of parents are living vicariously through their kids. That’s why they. They had kids in sports. I just wanted a playmate. I wanted somebody to play with, and she was always great. From, like, 2 or 3 years old, she would be in pretty competitive sports with me.

David Murray [00:34:26]: And she was my sports buddy growing up. So we still are.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:29]: And, David, a couple of questions for you. If you could give Scout one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

David Murray [00:34:35]: It would be my dad’s lesson to me, which was, this was in. In the old timey, sexist way. But he would say, every once in a while, a fellow ought to do something he’s a little afraid of. And there have been times in life when I was on the edge of doing something and thought, should I do this? This is scary. And I did that thing, and I think it’s always been good.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:56]: And what’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

David Murray [00:35:00]: Oh, that I’m an emotional disaster. I like, I don’t know how this is with you, but I think about in my 20s, I think I cried maybe once a year. In my early 30s, before I had Scout, maybe I found some reason to cry once a month because I’m movie or something. As soon as she was born, I cry at card tricks and supermarket openings every day. I cry just about every day. I just finished reading the audible version of this book. Yesterday was my last studio session. There’s some emotional spots at the end.

David Murray [00:35:32]: It was so embarrassing. I Just could not get through it. And it is totally obnoxious if you’re listening to an audiobook and the author starts crying. So I simply wasn’t going to put up with that. But I had to do like, like five takes. So I think I’ve learned that about myself. I’m emotional and I like that. That’s.

David Murray [00:35:47]: I’m much more emotionally open than my father was. And I feel good about that, actually.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:35:52]: And finally, for both of you, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Scout Murray [00:36:00]: I would say from an early age, try to be as open and honest as you can, because I think kids pick up on that. That and from an early age it was very clear that there was never lying, there was never secrets. And I think that like really stuck with me. And I was raised with the impression that it was always okay to be honest about how you’re feeling and not build up resentment. So I think, and I think sometimes that’s hard. I have friends that aren’t close with their dads and I think it’s because neither of them are honest and neither of them share when they’re upset with each other. And I think doing that will create a good atmosphere.

David Murray [00:36:41]: I think I learned while being honest with her when she would ask me difficult questions when she was young, questions I wasn’t sure I should answer. I think I also learned that kids, when they ask you a question, they will let you answer and they’ll stop asking questions when they don’t want any more information. I can’t think of an example right now, but there were times where she would ask me a question, maybe about how babies are born or where all this stuff, and you would answer to a point and then the kid would stop asking and then two years later they’d start asking again. And so I felt that you deciding what kids should and shouldn’t hear or can and can’t handle, they kind of actually decide it for themselves and they take care of their own business in that way. And you should err on the side of telling more, I think.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:37:23]: Well, Scout David, I really want to say thank you. Thank you so much for being here today. David, if people want to find out more about you and the book, where should they go?

David Murray [00:37:30]: They should go to a website called soccer dad story.com you can prerequisite ordered the book. The book is out April 14, but it’s available for pre order now wherever books are sold. And it’s available in the audible version, which as I said I just finished and I think it’s a fun listen.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:37:46]: Well, again, thank you both so much for your time today and for sharing your story. And scout, I wish you the best as you move into the next phase of your existence post soccer. Now you can sit and watch soccer and enjoy that instead of being on the field specifically, or at least having the pressure of being on a D1 team.

Scout Murray [00:38:07]: Exactly. Exactly.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:38:09]: Well, I wish you both the best.

Scout Murray [00:38:10]: Thank you so much.

David Murray [00:38:11]: Thanks so much for having us.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:38:13]: That’s a wrap for this episode of the dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don’t forget, you can find all our [email protected] until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:38:43]: We’re all in the same boat and it’s full of tiny screaming passengers Messengers we spend the time we give the lessons we make the meals we buy them presents and bring your A game? Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen Carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world too now Be the best dad you can be Be the best dad you can be.